This Is Happiness

We duck taped our way out a catastrophe last night, kneeling on the floor in our pretty dresses to make $170 and some clothes for us. Then you saved me again from losing A's camera by being too drunk and I don't shower today and still look prettier than normal, from success, I think.

I realize I just sent you a conversation in which your boyfriend flirts with me over email and I even though maybe I should be scared that you might be mad, more than anything I am happy you have a boyfriend that is such a good flirt. It means he's a good lover I think, and that he's playful and sensual and that is very good for you, and for me, since I always hoped we'd flirt with each other's boyfriends when we weren't busy complaining about them.

This is a website I was going to send you:

http://thisisnthappiness.com/

For Our Mansion

This will be your throne.

Slug sublimity suggests love’s a drag

The best poem about slug sex.

And this

Beautiful Things Remind Me Of You

Including everything here. I also want us to plan weddings, babies, life, dollhouses together. Who knows, maybe we'll move out to CA too? I think it would make you happy and that's the most important thing to me, though we'd have to video chat A LOT. I already feel like that now.

(probably verging on unhealthy)

I check this blog much more frequently than I actually contribute to it. When I see you've left me a secret dispatch, the pleasure point in my brain goes off. You're my emotional Easter Bunny, my soul Santa -- there's something juvenile, magical, exciting about discovering you've left something for me in the night.

Today I feel overwhelmed by all the things (feelings or experiences, really) I want in life. I want to be in California, but I never want to leave you. I want to be here to plan your wedding, I do not want to be far away and have Susie do it instead. I want to be with you when you are pregnant and i want to be with you when i am pregnant. I want us to share an office, even if we're still working for different people. I want Frankie to grow up thinking I'm one of her aunts. I want to sustain our friend family because it is more sustaining to me than any other family. When you are gone for a long time, i go through a kind of amnesia where i feel like i have to restructure my life around something other than you, where I worry you've found something better to fill in for me, and I have to scurry to do the same.